Helena Kobrin TV Show (Humour)

Subject:      Helena Kobrin TV series
From:         tilman@berlin.snafu.de (Tilman Hausherr)
Date:         1998/05/21
Message-ID:   <35a3016c.63396331@news.snafu.de>
Newsgroups:   alt.religion.scientology,misc.legal

I am getting bored of the software business. I want to be a TV producer. (Or a lumberjack, but that's another story).

I will produce a fictional TV series partly inspired by the character of the attorney Helena Kobrin. She will be a bit similar to "Hot lips" Houlihan of M*A*S*H, but will be the "hero". It is about the adventures of a small-scale attorney who never wins a case, but amuses everyone.

In the pilot, Helena Kobrin (I am searching for another name to avoid lawsuits) is presented. She is 49.9, two children who never grow up, and just passed her bar exam after the 3rd try, after being a paralegal for 20 years, and she has PMS on 25 days a month. Her husband is a "video" producer specialized in Super-8, who often says "video sux! Super-8 will come back!" and hangs around at home trying to insert film rolls into a super-8 projector (he never succeeds, but it is a running joke!). Her son is a computer geek; her daughter is a cult shopper, usually in "indian" cults, and she has a large collection of indian dictionaries, and has changed her name into "Swami Kobrani". She is very sexy (this is needed to get additional audience, but also to compensate for the looks of Helena herself).

The plot develops as Helena buys a VCR, to tape "Hogan's Heroes", which she loves. She wonders how to program it, tries to read the manual, even consults the indian dictionary, asks the guru of her daughter. Her son offers to help but she claims that he is not qualified because "a VCR is much more complicated than a computer". Finally, Helena files a lawsuit against the video company - only to lose it at the first hearing, where the judge himself is able to set it up in 90 seconds; even the attorney of the VCR company is amazed, and the incident is later used in advertising, but Helena Kobrin does not get a role in the ad.

The second episode has Helena spilling her coke in her car (a crappy 10 year old japanese-looking something). She then makes the very smart move to *hire* an attorney, who wins a fat settlement, after arguing that her sex life is gone because the coke sticks her legs together. With the settlement money she buys a german (!) car. She later attempts to sue the car maker because it offers a higher speed than is allowed on the road. Of course, the lawsuit is dismissed. As the credit rolls, the car is stolen because she didn't lock it.

In the third episode Helena finally dumps her Super-8 husband, and moves into a trailer park. (Paula Jones has a small role!) There, she finds another attorney and it is love at first sight. His name is Earl Dooley, but his detractors call him "Fooley". They make great plans for future lawsuits - but the love affair fails after it comes up that Earl is a betamax fanatic.

In the fourth episode Helena represents Holocaust denier Sam Carmellus against Holocaust survivor Al Murmelbein, who had sued Carmellus over certain remarks he considered offensive. She loses her case after saying "How can there be a holocaust if you're there?" to Murmelbein. Later she has a hot affair with Carmellus after finding out that they are both member of the IASH, the "international association of super-8 haters". There is no actual love scene, but one can see the trailer moving up and down. Sadly, Carmellus later dumps her in for a journalist who believes that she is possessed by space aliens.

Note from Martin: The IAS is the International Association of Scientologists. Tom Marcellus is a prominent holocaust denier and a member of the IAS. Belief in space aliens are a crucial part of Scientology's "advanced spiritual technology"- see for example the OT3 document. Earl Cooley is Chairman of the Board at Boston University as well as a lawyer for Scientology, whose courtroom histrionics have been judged to be counter-productive. He made a hugely over-the-top plea to the jury not to award damages in the Wollersheim versus Church of Scientology of California case, and was rewarded by a judgement against Scientology of $30 million.