Helena Kobrin's Christmas

A Merry Christmas Tale, from Chris Owen (co@nvg.unit.no)

'Twas the night before Christmas, and not a creature was stirring. Save, that is, for one Helena Kobrin, Esq., who was having difficulty sleeping. See Helena stirring restlessly in her sleep as dreams (sorry: "mental image pictures") chase each other through her mind...

A box had arrived at the Celebrity Center in Los Angeles, addressed to Helena Kobrin. What could it be? She couldn't recall ordering anything. She opened the lid, and found a note sitting on top of a layer of tissue paper. She read it. "To Helena, from A Friend", it said. She frowned. What was this? She pulled the tissue paper out of the box and found, right at the bottom, a thick book. She lifted it onto her desk and opened it. On the very first page were the words:

                     "DIARY OF AN ARS CONSPIRATOR
            
               WHAT I DID TO SUPPRESS SCIENTOLOGY IN 1995"

Eyes widening, Helena read on, making notes as she went. It was sensational stuff! One entry in particular caught her attention.

 "SATURDAY. Another great day of suppressing and enturbulating Scientology.
  
  9 am:    E-mailed the ARS Worldwide Headquarters in ********* to receive
          my mission for the day.
  9.15 am: The ARS Central Committee had decided upon the following mission
          and promptly replied via the 24 hour-a-day answering service which
          we've set up:

    "SUPPRESSIVE #585632: You are instructed to obtain the latest false data 
                         from Communo-Psychiatry Headquarters in **********,
                         and write a false report to make it appear that
                         psychiatry is not torturing and murdering thousands
                         of innocent people.
                          Victory to Psychiatry and the ARS Conspiracy!"

  10 am:   Armed with the false data (what an efficient conspiracy we are!)
          I started work. It took a couple of hours, but by the end of it
          I'd produced a highly convincing report. Well, convincing to non-
          Scientologists, that is; why are Scientologists so hard to fool?
          Maybe it's all that dumb 'tech' they're taught. It's a good job
          they're still a minority, though they're growing so fast it worries
          me at times. We'll have to get our government friends to move
          against them if it goes on like this.

  12 pm:   Lunch. Even we conspirators have to eat occasionally. I took
          particular pleasure in knowing that my pay cheque from the 
          Conspiracy, money obtained from ripping people off and screwing
          up their minds, was going towards my food. Hahahahaha!
  
  1 pm:    Posted my false report to ARS. Contacted fellow conspirators to 
          organise "spontaneous" replies. We should have quite a convincing
          thread going before long.

  4 pm:    Aha, the first responses are coming in. Let's see... eight fellow
          conspirators; only one Scientologist. That's good work. There are
          more conspirators on this newsgroup than there are Scientologists, 
          so it's much more likely that we'll be believed. Ah... I do love 
          the smell of frying clam!

  7 pm:    Dinner. Highly satisfying. I usually eat all sorts of things, such
          as peanuts, which the Scientologists regard as poisonous. That's
          pretty dumb, isn't it? Heck, the life expectancy of peanut-eaters 
          is around 40, so that's not too bad, is it? As I'm in my 20s, I'm 
          not worried; I've got years left in me!

  8 pm:    Logged on one last time to read ARS and check my e-mail. My false
          report seems to have got a good, wholly "spontaneous" response. Yet
          another nail in the coffin of Scientology! I also got a very 
          satisfying e-mail from the Central Committee. They're very pleased
          with my work, and they're promoting me to SP4! That means an 
          increase in my pay cheque, drawn against CAN's bank account as
          always. And we know who funds CAN, don't we? *giggle*

  11 pm:   Went to bed. A very good day. Once again, my use of fraud, 
          corruption and conspiracy has enturbulated Scientology and scared
          people away from it. I can rest easy knowing that what psychiatry
          is *really* doing is that bit less likely to be revealed."

Helena stirred again and smiled in her sleep. This was great! With this document, she would win the forthcoming RICO suit hands down! She'd be more famous than Johnnie Cochrane and Marcia Clark put together! Best of all, Mr Miscavige wouldn't scream at her and call her a "f***ing incompetent" any more!

The first light of dawn broke through the window. She woke. It was Christmas morning. She rolled over drowsily, and started suddenly. There was a box next to her bed, no doubt left by Santa! She opened the lid, and found a note sitting on top of a layer of tissue paper. She read it. "To Helena, from A Friend", it said. With trembling hands, she tore away the tissue paper, only to find -

Yes, that's right. Tin after tin of rice and beans.

Merry Christmas, all!